Repost: Another One Bites the Dust

Repost from 2014…

I was recently reminded of the douchebaggery of people (something I’m reminded of far more frequently than I would like to be) when listening to a friend discuss the asshat behavior of men. She was irritated because the new man in her life was doing dumb things, making her feel self-conscious and ridiculously insecure. This dear friend of mine is a serious number one stunna and has no business whatsoever to doubt herself even a smidge. Girlfriend has it going on – the dude in question needs to get his poop in a group and smarten up!!

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Once upon a time, I was asked out for drinks and food by a member of the male persuasion. I didn’t usually accept such invitations, but I knew this fellow a bit and figured it wouldn’t be too bad, so I gave it a whirl, and said yes. We went, and had a lovely time – everything went very well, including the good night kiss at my door. The next day, he asked me for a movie date a few days later – again, I went, and things were awesome: laughs were had, hands were held, I was on my best behavior (witty, charming, not breaking wind or burping)….I thought it was great. Oddly , there was no good night kissy-face at the end of this date, but…I didn’t give it much thought. Over the next few days, we messaged back and forth, but something felt palpably different. I couldn’t put my finger on it, but something was off. I asked a few times about making tentative plans, that kind of thing, and there was always a reason, an excuse of why he couldn’t get together. It was weird. One night, he invited me over to his house to watch a hockey game, which I thought was code for something else – it wasn’t. Hockey was watched, cheeks were chastely kissed, and I went home. Huh.

Me being me, I couldn’t take it anymore. I asked if there was something up – this was the conversation:

Me – Is everything ok?

Him – No. I can’t see you anymore. I never should have asked you out in the first place.

Me – Ok. My apologies if I’ve done or said something to offend you. I’m confused!

Him – You didn’t do anything wrong, haha, you are very cool.  I never should have asked you out in the first place.

Me – Gee, thanks. Never mind, it’s all good.

Him – By doing that, I broke a very long-standing personal rule and I owe you an explanation. Or an apology.

Me – No apology needed.

Him – It’s hard to adequately explain without you taking this the wrong way, but this is completely on me. I stay out of relationships because I’m really really really bad at them. I hurt people emotionally, even nice people. I’m not going to go through that again. And you especially don’t need that either.

Me – Oh, okay. I understand.

Him – I doubt that. It’s just me. I’m stuck in a behavioral pattern that I recognize but can’t break.  For what it’s worth, you’re the first woman in over five years to make me forget my rule.

Me – Um, thanks.

Him – I tend to be a much better friend…just ask my ex’s!!

Me – Haha.

Him – You are by far the most interesting person I’ve met in years. Plus you are actually a decent human being. And maybe even the Least Crazy Female I’ve Ever Met???!

Me – Gee thanks.

The conversation continued with more insanity, so imagine my shock when the next day, he texted to ask if I wanted to make plans for a few days later. I said okay, assuming we were having a ‘friend’ outing, and made a bunch of suggestions.  We made plans for the evening – to go out somewhere. Here’s what transpired next:

Him – Are you still coming over tonight?

Me – Oh, I thought we were going out!

Him – I don’t know.

Me – Okay, would you fancy a trip to see a movie? That’d be fun!!

 

About an hour passes.

 

Him – I don’t know. I just got out of the hot tub. But yeah, by the time I shower and get dressed and all it’s probably late to head uptown for a movie.

 

FYI – this text came in at 5:45pm.

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Baffling behavior, yes? Frustrating? Indeed. Why do people who pee standing up act this way? Lest you think me a psychotic stalker who saves messages, I wrote this all down in a journal. Ages ago. And I kept the notebook. You know why? So that I could pull it out from time to time to remind myself of just how shitty some people are, and just how far I’ve come. There was a day when a conversation like this would have crushed me, leaving me crippled and feeling like there was something wrong with me. Now it makes me think that he’s a freaking idiot with issues far beyond the scope of any crap I’m interested in dealing with.  Gross.

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Why are relationships so hard? Why is it so difficult for people to be straightforward? Why can’t we as people say what we mean and mean what we say? I find that the older I get, the more blunt I am  – God help us when I’m 70….yikes!!! I am not mean (or I try not to be), but I sure don’t endure stupid crap like I used to!! I would never have done what the idiot from the above story did….because, even though I’m really blunt and stuff, I’m not hurtful. I try not to toy with people’s emotions, I try not to be hurtful or unkind…and I try really hard to be the kind of person I want to be around. In her book “Miracles Now”, Gabrielle Bernstein writes that peace begins with you. So does happiness. Being happy depends on how happy you are with yourself. If you’re a miserable sod who loathes their own company, nobody else is going to want to be near you, either. So, to the guy who told me the crap above – thank you for reminding me of the things that are important in life…and, sadly for you,you weren’t one of them. I wish you well still – just as long as it’s nowhere near me. To my dear friend who questions her own desirability – love you, friend…you deserve the moon and the stars, and any man worth having will give you all that – and more. 🙂

 

xxx

Funny Girl

I came across this the other day, and I HAD to share it with you. It is so absolutely BRILLIANT, and worth the read (even though it’s long – sorry)…I promise. Here you go! 🙂

Dear Polly,

I’ve been seeing a dude for about three months. We met online, during an intensive dating-people-online phase of mine prompted by the end of a six-month relationship prior. When we met, I had pretty much given up – not in a resigned, self-pitying way; my attitude was that online dating was wasting too much of my time and energy, with unsatisfactory results, so I was going to keep myself open to romantic possibility, but not actively pursue finding someone.

Then I met this dude – we went for coffee, and I was surprised at the ease of our conversation, and we kep seeing each other and it kept being really nice. About a month later, we had a vague relationship talk (he asked something along the lines of whether I considered him my boyfriend) and thereafter considered ourselves exclusive.

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He is not the type of dude I usually go for, and this is a refreshing change. Throughout most of my 20s (for 8 and a half years), I was in (what I now have come to acknowledge as) an unhealthy, co-dependent relationships with a man-child artistic type. This new dude is very independent, has travelled the world, has strong family values, loves his job, and is equal parts nerd and jock. (Relevant information? His longest relationship was three months.) While New Dude and I do have good conversations and a similar sense of humor, we do not share the same depth of intellectual connection as did my ex and I – this intellectual connection was one of the major initial factors in us hooking up. I was also spoiled by the Ex (a three-year remove has allowed me to acknowledge some of the positives of our failed relationship) in that he was extremely articulate and communicative. He sent me daily, multi-paragraph emails full of cute details and in-jokes. On the down side, he also expected several phone calls a day and needed to know where I was all the time – I fully realize that a lot of what I thought was sweet and thoughtful at the time was pretty damn toxic. But I think I’ve subconsciously conflated “caring” with “tons of communication” in a relationship, and this is something that is not happening with New Dude. He doesn’t communicate very frequently – lately, because he did at the very beginning. Is this a settling-into-the-relationship thing? Is three months too soon for this behavior to start? My friends have told me I need to talk to him about this, but my issue (one of my issues) is that I don’t feel that the timing is right to have a chat like this, and that he should be aware of it and shouldn’t need to be told to send a “hey, hows’ it going” text every coupla days, and what if the lack of that communication is just indicative of the bigger issue that’s troubling me, i.e. what if our levels of emotional investment are not matched? And what can I do about that – make him like me as much as I like him? I guess that’s what keeps me from wanting to sit down and chat about what’s bothering me – maybe he doesn’t even really care. All I have to go on is the fact that whenever we hang out (twice a week at least, although it’s mostly me initiating/ making plans) we have a great time; but the lag in between spending time together fills me with doubts and anxieties, and frankly I don’t wanna be That Girl.

I realize this sounds very trite and trivial. What is my question? Okay, here it is: How can I know if I should fully invest in this relationship? I realize any new relationship is fraught with scary uncertainties, but I guess I’m just not ready to invest more if it’s not reciprocal (although, who does, right?). Should I sit him down and talk it out? See if things change? Make myself mellow out and realize New Dude is different than The Ex, has a different style and adjust to that?

(I should add that when we exchanged Christmas cards, he signed his “Your Pal”. I signed mine “Love”. Telling, no? I should also add, though, that we do call each other “dude”, “chief”, etc – very casual, jovial terms. Am I letting this argot unintentionally set the tone for our emotional interactions?)

Or is my question: do I even like this guy that much, or am I settling? Should I hold out for the absolute best, someone who matches me in all the ways that count, or is he that guy and more time will uncover the truth? It’s so hard to know yourself, right? What if I’m just terrible at self-assessment and can easily talk myself in and out of things?

Any input you have would be much appreciated.

Sincerely, Anxious About Reciprocity

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Dear AAR,

I want you to think about Lorde for a second. Not Lorde the actual teenager – I don’t know much about her, and if you do, scrape that information out of your head. I mean Lorde the brand, the performer, the girl in the dark purple lipstick who gets up on stage at the Grammys and does this:

Pop, sure. Teenager, sure. But undeniably bad ass. And even if the real Lorde turns out to be obsessed with aristocracy and genuinely would LOVE to be a royal, the branded, polished, performing Lorde, the imaginary bad ass, is basically saying, “We reject your horse shit universe of bling, you shallow, worthless fucks you.” Lorde the brand works because Lorde the brand stands for something very clear and concrete. Lorde the brand stands for living the life you have right now, and savoring it, and saying NO to all of the shit that doesn’t jibe with your deals and passions.

Now let me ask you this: Would Lorde put up with whatever from this dude you’re dating, or would Lorde snort derisively at his card signed “Your Pal” and then toss it into an enormous incinerator and stomp away in her glitter-encrusted hobnail boots?

If you were happy floating along with this, if you didn’t mind NOT having an intense intellectual connection, if you were cool with seeing him twice a week, if you didn’t get a strange feeling when you read the words “Your Pal” on that piece of shit Christmas card, that would be one thing. But you don’t like the way things are going right now. You don’t like it one bit.

And this is not about demanding a lifelong commitment immediately. This is about you. You know what you want. You don’t necessarily want someone who texts you fifteen times a day. But you DO want to be in love. You want to be loved by someone who wants to talk a lot, who wants to share himself completely, who WANTS to fall in love and thinks you’re extra super special and more than a fucking pal.

So be honest about your true desires here. The single best thing you can do, as a single person and as someone who’s just started to date someone new, is be very, very clear about what you want, and what you don’t want.

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When you don’t communicate what you want, because doing so somehow makes you THAT GIRL – unattractive because she has the audacity to ask for exactly what she wants from men (which isn’t actually unattractive, ahem) – guess what happens? You are treated as a pal and you are expected to go with the flow. When you sell a guy a fictional story about how cool and easy-going you are, how well you can hang, how low-maintenance you are about everything, all you’re doing is torturing yourself and delaying the inevitable moment when he realizes that you can’t deliver the low-key gal you promised from the start. Why play along with “Your Pal” and “dude” and “Hey, let’s hang out occasionally and ignore each other the rest of the time” when that’s not the life you want?

And what’s so fucking attractive about that easy-going, no-problem girl anyway? Does she have a single fucking thing in common with Lorde, or is she inadvertently aspiring to be a muted, high-fiving fuck doll? Do you want to be a person, or do you want to be an emotional Hooters waitress, serving up cuddles and hot wings and laughing it off when your ass gets pinched for the 15th million time?

You’re not even sure that you’re crazy about this guy. You’re just trying to WIN HIM,like a big ugly cheap toy at the state fair. You won’t know if you really do like him a ton until HE’S IN IT COMPLETELY. If you keep playing along with his “pal” routine, you might trick yourself into thinking that you’re in love with him, simply because he’s half-assed and therefore slightly mysterious. The last thing you want in your life is to get hung up on someone simply because he’s apathetic towards you. What’s nuts is that it’s sometimes easier to feel feelings for a guy who’s WRONG for you and essentially uninterested and available than it is to fall for someone who’s totally and completely in your life, present, willing, interested, invested, etc. Cardboard cutouts make great love objects, particularly if you spent too much of your childhood watching ‘The Little Mermaid’ on repeat, thinking that giving up your excellent tail and your soulful singing voice would be just fine, if it meant spending eternity with that big, bland, macho-zero-nothing Prince Eric.

Why play make-believe just to keep Prince Pal in your life, anyway? You don’t NEED a guy – ANY GUY! – in your life, do you? You aren’t risking anything by telling a guy who’s not really delivering much value to your life EXACTLY what you want, are you? But you ARE risking a lot when you don’t tell a guy exactly what you want. You’re risking wasting a lot of time and emotional energy on someone who’s not remotely prepared to share himself with you. DON’T DO IT.

*****There’s a whole bunch of stuff that I have redacted from this piece, simply because it was getting very long – click on the link at the top to read the whole article*****

I’m not saying there aren’t snags or fights along the way. But look, if what you REALLY WANT is a strong, healthy, resilient relationship, you don’t get it by playing it cool. In fact, when you wait too long to say exactly what you want, it comes out all resentful and needy and weak. I’m not saying you have to lay out a plan for your wedding, I’m just saying you have to make it clear that you’d like to see him regularly, that you want to be honest and open with him about your feelings, and have him do the same, and that you don’t see the two of you as “pals” and can’t really proceed in a relationship that masquerades as a friendship with benefits. Without these things, you don’t feel that you’ll get to know him any better, and therefore you’ll be frustrated AND you’ll be wasting your time, time that could be spent getting to know some OTHER GUY who’s looking for the same kind of honest, intellectually stimulating, emotionally rich relationship that you are. YOU ARE NOT THE KIND OF WOMAN WHO WANTS TO WASTE HER TIME BULLSHITTING AROUND WITH SOMEONE WHO DOESN’T GIVE A FUCK. If that makes you “That Girl,” so be it.

And beware waiting too long, because if you put off this conversation until you’ve already bit your tongue and been disappointed a bunch of times, until you’re already a little angry about how things are, what fucking good is that? You’ll end up sounding like someone who’s been faking it for too long, who’s a little passive aggressive and nuts, who can’t be trusted to tell the truth about anything, or who’s TOO INSECURE to tell the truth about anything. You assume that leveling with him now will seem needy and insecure, but in fact it’ll make you look like a woman who knows what she wants and is confident enough to ask for it. You’ll look like a woman who doesn’t mind losing a dude who’s not all that into her.

BEFORE he disappoints you (again), tell him what you want from him. If he can’t give you what you want, that’s ok. Move on. Better to figure that out now. Yes, you’ll think, “Why did I have to open my fucking mouth?” when things fall apart. But what is the goal here? To stay in a shitty half-assed thing at all costs?

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Because I’m telling you, if you don’t say a word, this picture doesn’t improve. You just get more and more anxious, and then the relationship ends just the same.

AND there’s a smallish chance that he’ll say, “Yeah, I can do that. I want to be with you.” When you stand up for what you want, and you aren’t afraid to say it out loud, you’d be amazed how well the world responds to that.

But, let’s be honest, lots of guys don’t like it. You know what kinds of guys don’t like it? The guys who are hiding from themselves, the guys who don’t want to be seen, the guys who don’t want to show up. AND THEY ARE FUCKING EVERYWHERE, dude. But you don’t want someone like that. You want one of the good ones, the ones who can look you in the eye and say, “YES. What you want is not unreasonable. I want to be intellectually met, too. I want to be emotionally open, too. I want to be with YOU.”

Acting casual and nonchalant is fine for a while. You don’t want to get too intense and over the top straight out of the gate. Who does? But three months into a relationship? It’s not only ok to ask for what you need, it’s healthy to do so.

I played along with anything and everything for so many years, and it never did anything for me. It just made me feel like a crazy, needy person once the truth came out, that I didn’t want to just hang around and act like a guy for the rest of my life. I settled for whatever, time and again, without bringing the full force of who I was into the picture. Eventually, I found myself, through music and writing and through a few strong, committed friendships. And once I understood my own ideas and beliefs about love, and I felt confident enough to express them, I could finally stand up for what I really wanted. I had courage in my convictions. I didn’t have to roll along with ways of living that I knew would never serve me or create a happy, fulfilling relationship.

And look, once you make a very clear distinction (This is what I want from a relationship. This is what I don’t want.) you can actually HAVE FAITH THAT YOU WILL NOT SUFFER THROUGH BULLSHIT AGAIN. You can trust yourself to walk away from bad situations. You can trust that you won’t sell yourself short. You can trust yourself to give voice to your desires, and to honor the deepest, truest parts of your soul.

HOW FUCKING GREAT IS THAT? To trust yourself to take care of yourself and honor your soul. When you hit the point where you’re not going to sell your fucking soul up the river for a pretty face? That’s the turning point into adulthood. That’s the beginning of true happiness.

You probably aren’t that anxious to sit down and make demands of this guy. But I want you to see this as your big moment of truth. You aren’t making demands of anyone. You are simply stating what is real and true for you. He can understand and appreciate it, or he can resist it and move on. Either way, you give him your blessing and your love and there are no hard feelings. You simply know what you want.

Do some writing about what you really, really want from love. Make a list. Then list the things that make you feel disappointed and sad. Talk it all through with a few friends. Revise your list. Spend time alone and really feel your way through this. You shouldn’t be talking yourself into or out of anything. You should be looking deep inside and asking yourself what you want, how you want to live. You should be reaching for the very best possible love and life for yourself. YOu should be thinking of your favorite bad ass. Don’t you deserve to treat yourself with as much adoration and love as Lorde does? And if not WHY  THE FUCK NOT? Why don’t you cherish yourself and who you are like THAT? What damns you to half-assed fucking men, exactly?

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So anyway, tell him. Don’t do it when you’re angry or disappointed in him. Do it when you feel good about everything. But don’t wait too long. Don’t wait until you’re upset. Do it soon. Tell him what you want. Not “I want marriage and kids right now.” But:”I want an intellectually stimulating relationship between equals, where two people share their ideas and feelings.” Be specific. And be kind. Let him off the hook. He hasn’t promised you anything. Try to accept that this may not be true love. Try to allow him room to want different things.

It’s ok if he doesn’t want what you want, and he’s willing to say it. That’s a good outcome, actually. He will be doing you a huge favor if he is honest and tells you that now. The harder thing is the guy who PRETENDS he wants it, kind of, but mostly just doesn’t want to move his fear-changing ass off your couch.

Listen to me closely now: The people who dare to ask for an expansive, life-altering love, who will be alone rather than settle for less, are the ones who find it. People who accept less, who figure they don’t deserve any better, who figure that it’s too much of a risk to tell the truth and scare men off, are the ones who live with a constant feeling of disappointment and neglect. When you neglect yourself and your feelings, you get neglected by others, too.

Stand up for yourself. Stand up for what you want. Does that make you That Girl? Then BE. THAT. GIRL.

Because That Girl is a shining beacon to the rest of us. That Girl doesn’t play along and call herself whatever some dude is calling her, whether it’s “pal” or “that chick I’m sleeping with” or “her, over there”. That Girl doesn’t sit through drifts, disconnected conversations with men who can’t show up. That Girl doesn’t care if you think she’s attractive or appropriate or easy to be around or not. She’s not caught up in some dude’s love affair – with himself, his stuff, with his fantasy of how easy and sexy and mysterious True Love will be when he finally finds it, just like a porn flick starring him with a soundtrack by The Shins. That Girl is willing to risk his disapproval for the sake of her own happiness.

Fuck the critics. Fuck the onlookers, Fuck this cold, disapproving world, that doesn’t like That Girl or really any fucking girl at all, when it boils right down to it. BE THAT GIRL.

Polly

 

I know that was a long read, but OMG for brilliant or what. I was hollering and hooting as I made my way through the response, because this is ABSOLUTELY me. I am a famous settler in everything that I do – I never believe that I deserve the very best, then I wonder why I am unhappy with what I get….it makes such perfect sense, yet apparently I have never pieced it all together like this before. I have lived in constant fear of being That Girl – when really I should have wanted to be her all along.

I wonder how she dresses? 😉

xxx

Can’t Help Falling in Love With You

 

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Today is April Fool’s Day, and it’s always been a favorite of mine. I love a good prank, I’m an accomplished jackass, and a frequent practitioner of tomfoolery and hijinks. This morning, the adult website Pornhub changed their site to Cornhub, and is featuring some pretty steamy corn videos (which are HILARIOUS) – be sure to check them out quickly before they disappear! Here’s a complete list of websites doing silly things today (including the realtor that is selling birdhouses): http://aprilfoolsdayontheweb.com . Fun stuff!! I did see a press release this morning that the Kardashians are fixing to retire. I was overjoyed, ecstatic that they were FINALLY going to disappear back into the hole from which they crawled out, but….no luck. Methinks it’s an April Fool’s Day hoax. Boo. Hiss. My fingers will remain loosely crossed, just in case.

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What are you a fool for? I get giddy and foolish over a lot of things: my Wee One, puppies, kittens, baby lambs, pretty shoes, travel, watching movies, hugs, going for long walks, cuddles, cocktails…the list goes on and on. I’ve also done A LOT of foolish things in the name of love – and, truthfully, I am pretty much okay with that. I sometimes feel badly when I put myself out there and it doesn’t go well, but the good news is that I bounce back and get over it. Yaa me! I am also a person who frequently makes a fool of themselves by going all in when I do things – I believe that being all in is critical to a life well led. I struggle to understand those that hang back, that hedge their bets, that exercise restraint rather than jumping in with reckless abandon…and I’m pretty sure that they struggle to understand me as well. I’m such a believer in living life loudly, being unafraid to take chances and risks, and putting yourself out there (wherever ‘there’ is) – and it’s becoming apparent to me that those aren’t always the most desirable of qualities to a lot of people. But who really cares about those people, anyway? 😉

What does it really mean to be “all in”? For me, it means that I approach things with a 110% commitment, to try my best, to really give things a shot, and just be present with my very best effort. When I go to work every day, I am all in – I try my best pretty much all of the time, and I am actively engaged in what I’m doing (even when I’m hiding under my desk, which I do all the time,  I am doing it with passion and a whole lotta verve). I approach most personal relationships the exact same way. If I decide I am going to give something a whirl with someone, I am ALL there; I wouldn’t know how to half-ass it if I tried. I like the feelings that I get when I do this, as if I am standing on the edge of a cliff, toes curled around the ledge, and I spread my wings and just leap. I am such a fan of the leap, launching yourself into the great unknown, trusting the collective powers of the world (and the people in it) to put up their hands and catch you, holding you up. Perhaps this is why I’ve had such struggles with relationships – I jump in, trusting someone to be there with me, to catch me and fly through the air with me…except that I usually jump towards people with no arms. It’s a problem. 😉

The kicker is, though, that I wouldn’t want it any other way. Even when I fall, at least I can say that I tried…which has to count for something/everything. I don’t want to be a person who is afraid to try – I’d rather be the one that went down in spectacular flames. Blaze of glory, baby….blaze of glory. 😉

xxx

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Freedom

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Did you happen to see “Girls” on HBO on Sunday night? It was a Marnie-centric episode, which would normally find me rolling my eyes A LOT and checking the time to see if it was over – not this one. The episode began with Marnie and Desi, the human douchecanoe that she married, in their apartment in yet another argument. She leaves for the day…and runs in to Charlie, her first love, the man she used to date who cast her aside when he realized what an opportunistic shrew she was being. Marnie and Charlie end up spending time together, they go to a fancy party briefly (where Charlie is selling drugs apparently and Marnie gets mistaken for a prostitute – a mistake that earns her $600…man how these characters have changed), they steal a boat and go for a paddle in Central Park, they end up making out, then getting robbed, then bonking at his apartment, then deciding to run away together. It’s an action-filled episode, let me tell you! However, it ends when Marnie discovers that Charlie has IV drug paraphernalia on him…and she leaves. She reappears at her apartment, has a confrontation with Desi, and tells him – very plainly – that she doesn’t want to be married to him. Just like that. The things that she says to him are so brilliant – in this week’s episode, she was the very best Marnie that she’s ever been…and I don’t generally say shit like that. She told him that she never should have married him in the first place, but that she “didn’t want to give up on yet another dream”. Isn’t that just the most truthful thing ever? I can certainly relate…I keep doing all sorts of shit that I DO NOT WANT TO DO, simply because I don’t want to give up the dream, the possibility of having my own happily-ever-after. I’m beginning to think that these dreams are highly overrated. She talked about needing time to find herself and figure things out – she told Desi that she didn’t know who she was anymore, that she was just a ghost of herself. That was so profound to me, as I think that I feel that very same way a lot of the time, a shadow of the girl that I used to be. I guess I’m like Marnie (a sentence I never thought I’d type, as I generally think that Marnie is pretty much the worst) – I need to figure out who I am, because I sometimes don’t know who that is anymore. When Marnie was at Charlie’s, she met a woman who was griping about a scrap she’d had with her girlfriend, and she said, “Why is everybody such a f*#&ing disappointment? I can’t have one more fantasy busted open….I swear to God, I can’t take it”. This. Is. Me. I frequently feel disappointed by the people around me, as if they come nowhere near to acting the way that I expect (wish/hope) them to…and I just don’t know how to deal with having one more failure, and one more failed personal relationship in my life. I guess the mistake that I am making is that I expect too much of people – I need to adopt the idea that if you expect nothing, then you will never be disappointed and everything that comes your way will be a gift….but I haven’t a clue how to get my mindset there.  I sometimes think that I am Teflon…nothing (and nobody) seems to stick with(to) me. But, oh, how I wish that it/they would.

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See that picture right there? Me, too, Marnie….me, too.

xxx

 

PS: Just as an aside…I love that “Girls” flirted with the idea of the magical first love, and what that person will always mean to you. I remember my first love with such fondness (it’s his birthday today, actually), and I smile every time I think of him. That’s a good memory to have. 🙂

To Make You Feel My Love

My very favorite food is mussels, specifically Moules Marinières, and I would happily eat them every single day of my life if I could. I love them THAT much. I learned how to make this amazing dish in the summer of 1996, at a restaurant in Brussels, Belgium. I went to eat at a lovely, quaint restaurant not far from my hotel. I ordered the Moules, and was absolutely DAZZLED by the amazing, simple meal that I was served. They were extraordinary, and I was sure to let my server know just how very, very much I had loved my dinner. He and I chatted at length before he ran back to tell his chef how much I had enjoyed my happy little Moules. The server came running back a moment later to let me know that the chef wanted to invite me back to his kitchen to teach me how to make his recipe. I was ecstatic, and put on the apron they provided lickity-split…and worked in the kitchen with him for the next three hours. He demonstrated his technique, and then was kind enough to let me practice by preparing dishes for the many guests that passed through the restaurant. It was one of the most fun – and delicious! – nights of my life!! I loved it so much – and I have made that same recipe over and over again, hundreds of times over the years…and they turn out perfectly every single time. Gorgeous. 🙂

I loved that trip to Brussels, and have been back 5 times since (it’s a great city full of wonderful people), which is why what happened there this week has hurt my heart terribly. My thoughts are with the people of Brussels – I will never understand people who claim to do things like this in the name of whatever God they believe in – no God that I know would support such horrible actions. And no God that I know would celebrate people who carry out these devastating events. They are not martyr heroes, they are stupid, selfish, hateful beings who need to direct their anger and upset inwards, towards themselves…and leave the rest of this beautiful world alone. I don’t need to tell them to go to hell – I’m pretty sure that God (or whoever it is running things upstairs) will have already taken care of that.

Adele sang a song for the people of Brussels last night at her show in London – it’s pretty, check it out:

 

Send some love to the people of Brussels – we can’t let hatred win.

xxx

Golden State

I’m not sure what rock I have been hiding under, but I somehow completely missed the song “Golden State”…and I am certainly better for having found it now! Better late than never!!! 🙂 Here it is, in case you’ve been under the rock with me:

You are the hole in my head
I am the pain in your neck
You are the lump in my throat
I am the aching in your heart
We are tangled
We are stolen
We are living where things are hidden

You are something in my eye
And I am
The shiver down your spine
You are
On the lick of my lips
And I am
On the tip of your tongue
We are tangled
We are stolen
We are buried up to our necks in sand


We are luck
We are fate
We are the feeling you get in the golden state
We are love
We are hate
We are the feeling I get when you walk away?
Walk away

Well you are the dream in my nightmare
I am that falling sensation
You are
not needles and pills
I am
Your hangover morning
We are tangled
We are stolen
We are living where things are hidden

We are luck
We are fate
We are the feeling you get in the golden state
We are love
We are hate
We are the feeling I get when you walk away
Walk away

Walk away

You are
The hole in my head
You are
The pain in your neck
You are
The lump in my throat
I am
The aching in your heart

 

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Don’t you just LOVE it? I know – me, too. I think it’s exactly what my heart (and soul) have been needing to hear lately. I’ve been feeling like the most tangled mess of Ick lately, and it’s really getting on my last damn nerve. Over the weekend, I binge-watched the new Netflix series “Love” (that’s where I heard that beautiful song up there), and, well, I kinda loved it. A whole lot. If you aren’t familiar with it, here’s the synopsis from the Interwebs: LOVE follows Gus and Mickey as they navigate the exhilarations and humiliations of intimacy, commitment, and other things they were hoping to avoid. Having recently ended their respective dysfunctional relationships, Gus and Mickey meet each other by chance at a convenience store and forge a connection in the mending of their broken hearts and egos. It’s really, really good – Gus is a really sweet guy who still does the odd arseholish thing (making him surprisingly real), and Mickey is a pain in the arse herself….it’s interesting (and messy) to see them trying to get together. Mickey is a self-professed addict (drugs, alcohol, sex, love), who has real troubles navigating interpersonal relationships…and dammit if I didn’t see way too much of myself in that (minus the whole addiction thing). I’m absolutely spastic when it comes to relationships with other people – friggin’ pathetic. I am lucky that I have any friends at all, truth be told…I’m just not great at it. But I want to be, I really do….and I just haven’t a hot clue how to stop being such a jerk all the time and make my current situation better. 🙁

Someone referred to me as a ‘free spirit’ recently – which I can kind of see, but I sort of dispute at the same time. I have A LOT of responsibilities in my life, and I keep everything going, all the balls in the air and the plates spinning at the same time – I take care of my shit remarkably well (so, not really a free spirit in that regard). However, when it comes to my personal existence, I think I am more of a free spirit – nothing much seems to stick with me. Sometimes (a lot of times) it’s my fault, sometimes the blame lies with the other people – most accurately, it’s probably a combination of both. When this person described me as a free spirit, it wasn’t meant as a compliment (ouch), as they indicated that people like me never settle themselves down at all. That one really cut me hard – the truth usually does, eh? I want to have a settled life, a peaceful existence, and I want to have some certainty to my days, but I don’t seem to have the skills needed to get my poop in a group and make that happen. I noticed Mickey on “Love” going to support group meetings for this kind of stuff – maybe I should do the same? Although Christ knows when I would find time for one more thing in my already packed schedule – but this is important, maybe I should give it a whirl? Either that or therapy…maybe it’s time to bite the bullet and start addressing some of this shit. I’ve been like an ostrich, sticking my head so deep in the sand that I can almost see down under (What up, Australia!), hoping that things will get better on their own. It’s not working.

Time to slip into my big girl panties (for the record, I wear cute underpants at all times), grab a cape (I actually do wear capes all the time), and get some shit done. Grr.

xxx

 

PS: Be sure to check out “Love” – it’s good. And, while it seems slow and odd at first, stick with it – you won’t be sorry.

You’re Beautiful

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I’ve started watching the final season of “Downton Abbey” – I love this show with all my heart, and I’m so sad to say goodbye to it…so I’ve put it off for a few weeks. However, I finally started the first episode last night, and nearly lost my mind with glee – this season is going to be AMAZING!! One of the real standouts for me was watching Mrs Hughes discuss her concerns about marrying Mr Carson with Mrs Patmore…Mrs Hughes doesn’t know if he is going to want a traditional marriage (i.e.: including visits to Pound Town), or if they will live like friendly brother and sister. She is too embarrassed to discuss it with him herself, so the delightful Mrs Patmore embarks on this information quest for her – and much MUCH hilarity ensues! My very favorite part was when Mr Carson says this of Mrs Hughes: “Tell her, Mrs. Patmore, that in my eyes she is beautiful. She asks if I want a full marriage and the answer is yes, I do. I want a real marriage, a true marriage, with everything that that involves.” He then goes on to say that he’s “happy and tickled and bursting with pride” that Mrs Hughes accepted his proposal. Aww…..LOVE. 🙂 At the end of the episode, she is relieved that he still wants her, and exclaims “Well then, Mr. Carson. If you want me you can have me, to quote Oliver Cromwell, warts and all.” They kiss, and I applauded in my living room. I friggin’ love love, and I love this romance….YAAA!!! 🙂

 

 

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Don’t you love it? “In my eyes, she is beautiful” — I could do with hearing that myself. Anyone know any single and available butlers?

xxx

 

PS: The runner up for the best line of the night was from the Dowager Countess…who asked Isobel, “Does it ever get cold on the moral high ground?” Hahahahaha! Dame Maggie Smith is EVERYTHING. 🙂

 

Written in the Stars

Good morning – happy 1st day of Love Month! 🙂 To kick things off, I came across this great article, and couldn’t wait to share it with you. It’s an overview of the astrological signs and their love lives…read mine:

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ARIES (MARCH 21 – APRIL 19)
Dating style: Impulsive

“Aries is hot blooded and loves the thrill of the chase,” says Fox. “They don’t deal well with overly clingy or emotional behavior.” As for romance, Aries loves spontaneity. When it comes to dating “rules”, for you, there aren’t any. You kind of make it up as you go along, which is part of what makes you so attractive to others.

If you’re female, you don’t give a f**k about outdated rules about making the first move or sleeping with someone on what date. On the con side, you tend to lead people on—as you move on quickly, but on the pro side, you’ll probably be one of the best loves of their life.

You probably fall in love quite easily–or at least, develop crushes quite easily–but settling into a routine is always the hard part for you. (You’re not *particularly* known for your follow-through.) But once you find someone who can argue and move on fast, you’ll know you’ve found the one. (As you might have guessed, you love makeup sex, to which you’re probably thinking: duh. )

 

The accuracy of this is almost comical – heehee! If you happen to know me in real life, what do you think? Pretty spot on, eh? Give the article a read, and see if yours applies to you! 🙂

xxx

 

True Love

Love Month starts next week – most people (myself included) think of February as Love Month because of Valentine’s Day, when really, we should try to make every month Love Month, and celebrate loving those around us all the time, don’t you think? Anyway, in anticipation of the start of Love Month (I’m really into this, can you tell?), I give you the sweetest story EVER:
How He Keeps The Relationship Alive Every Single Day Will Move You

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While many men and women dream of enjoying a romance like the one found in The Notebook, the truth is that the relationship between Noah and Allie Calhoun is fiction. It’s nothing more than a fantastic storyline thought up by Nicholas Sparks. However, the good news is that relationships like theirs do exist in real life.

Meet Jack Potter and his wife, Phyllis. Their story is every bit as good – and, in fact, greater – than the fictional love story portrayed in Hollywood.

The two met in 1941 at a wartime dance hall and quickly fell in love. “I remember it like it was yesterday the first time I met her – she came up to me and asked me to dance,” Jack told Daily Mail. A mere 16 months later, the couple was married.

Jack then documented every bits of their life, the holidays they took, and even their daily conversations in the diary.

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Jack and Phyllis have been married for more than 70 years and Phyllis now suffers from dementia. In order to keep their relationship alive, Jack visits her in retirement home on a daily basis and reads her excerpts from the diary he’s kept for the past seven decades – just like Noah does in The Notebook. They laugh, reminisce, and even steal a kiss every now and then.

 

And while times haven’t always been easy, their love has flourished as a result of one simple decision: Choosing love every single day. “Phyllis means everything to Jack,” said a manager at the home where she resides. It’s clear that – even though she may not always realize it now – Jack means everything to Phyllis, too.

 

I’m not going to lie to you…this story had me straight up boo-hooing like you would not believe. How amazing is this, eh? I am so touched by the fact that this man kept track of their lives like this in the first place (which is so friggin’ romantic that I’m swoooooooning), but the vision of him cuddling his beloved and reading to her just busts my heart wide open. Love this so much. 🙂 These two are adorable…and yet, I can’t even get a man to call me on the damn phone. Hmmm…..

 

What’s your favorite love story, my friends? Send me a note about it – I’ll be waiting. Let the swooning begin! 🙂

Xxx

 

Everything

I just took part in one of my favorite holiday rituals: I sat on the couch in the dark, only the Christmas tree lights on, drank some prosecco – and watched “Love Actually”, my very favorite holiday movie. It was as brilliant and beautiful as it was the other 87 times I’ve seen it (87 may be an exaggeration, but only a very slight one)….I just love it. It makes me feel all the feels, I laugh and I cry, and it’s just the best. If only the couch beside me wasn’t empty! 😉

Anyway – I just wanted to give you a clip of this scene….because who amongst us hasn’t felt this at one point or other in our lives?

It would not be a lie to tell you that the idea of hearing “to me, you are perfect” is one of the things that gets me up in the mornings. Such a beautiful sentiment.

I love this movie. 🙂

xxx